Having it All

January 23, 2009
Normally Mike takes Jaden to her parent/toddler program but this Friday he had to work out of town so I had the honor of accompanying her.
I went with her on her first day and until now, haven't had the opportunity to take her again. WOW - she's doing SO well in this environment. She roams the room on her own, "visits" with the other parents and takes interest in each activity. And, yes, she IS just that beautiful.

Later that afternoon I took her to her occupational therapy appointment. She happily escorted the therapist behind closed doors while I took the hour to literally slouch in the couch, read an old magazine and play around on my BB. An hour later, she "ran" out to me with outstretched arms. I quote ran because she actually hop/scuffles due to her right side weakness (physical therapy issue). As I grabbed her up, her therapist said, "She's doing fantastic and she's so very smart!"

Up until this point, I was feeling ambivalent(?), defeated(?), overwhelmed(?) not sure how to describe it - let's just say I had some troubling thoughts swirling up there - thoughts prompted by criticism discussions on other blogs as of late regarding the treatment of adopted children, SAHM vs. career mom, etc. Anyway, in that moment, it all melted away. "She's doing fantastic and she's so very smart!" This is a phrase I keep hearing over and over and over again from professionals.

This has been an extremely challenging period in my life, integrating a new toddler, tending to a transitioning 4 year old, running a household and working full time. I'll admit, our family expansion has not been what I'd imagined. I was prepared for the challenges of international adoption. I was prepared for the grief and even welcomed it (better bonding). I was even prepared for the notorious questions such as "Where'd you get her?"

What I wasn't prepared for was our son's regression and clinginess. I was not prepared for Jaden's developmental issues having thought she was on target the whole time. I was not prepared for her fully intact 1+ year old toddler personality. I was not prepared for the reality of quadrupling our kid load. (I jest not - I'm convinced each of my kids is really two and all 4 are super intelligent.) I was not prepared for the gravity-defying balancing act between SAHM-dom and CareerWoman-dom. And I am most certainly not prepared to concede that I can't 'have it all' nor should I be coaxed/bullied into doing so - there's nothing wrong with wanting to have children as well as tend to a very marketable skill and make extra money doing so. The latter of which is a necessity for my children.

Please don't get me wrong. I KNOW we made our own decisions and I KNOW we're beyond lucky. Jaden is sweet, funny, extremely cuddly and smart not to mention incredibly gorgeous and I've grown to love her in that calm, 'deep in the soul' love that only a MOM can feel. Mikey - what a little warrior and a miracle in his own right. Brandon is turning out to be a respectable young man. And we both have careers we love that allow us the flexibility to care for our children in-home. I'm not implying everyone should do it 'my way'. I know moms who are SAHMs and others who have careers outside the home. They ALL have challenges, each with it's own set of heartache and triumph. My point is that it's destructive and harmful to offer up unsolicited judgement pearls of wisdom (and anonymous at that!), especially when the circumstances are unknown to the pearl-leaver.

So we'll continue to chug along each day as Jaden works hard at achieving developmental milestones, Mikey works hard at being a tenacious 4 year old boy again, Brandon works hard at being a shared custody teenager, and I work hard at being a stay-at-home/paying-career/have-it-all mom. I'll complain, feel sorry for myself, roll my eyes at the kiddie-monster antics and let them watch TV, but criticize as one might, those KMs are happy, they've made great strides, I have a fabulous husband and I wouldn't take any other path.