Can't Get no Respect

July 25, 2009
What do I hate more than Frickin' Chickens? HUMONGOUS FEROCIOUS BEARS THAT COME ONTO YOUR CABIN PORCH AND PEER AT YOU THROUGH THE SCREEN DOOR.

No Mother-of-Mergatroid kidding.

No, I did not think to grab my camera. This is somebody else's bear. Mine was much bigger and much more vicious.

Bears are a phobia of mine. It started when I was 4 and saw a bear walking around our back yard in Los Angeles. Mom and dad: Trust me. It was a bear, not our hairy neighbor walking around naked.

It continued into my teens when a bear started sleeping beneath my bedroom window at night. Sorry mom and dad, but I don't see how dragging a bean bag from room to room begging to crash for the evening made the bear so lonely it went away. But thanks for the big bean bag chair - it made sleeping on the floor much more comfy.

There's more (lots more) but you get the picture. Me and bears have led to decades of bear-assment from my family. Take, for example, the email I sent to my parents right after I escaped the near mauling on my porch:

"Bear just came up on porch and looked at me through screen door. I'm never coming back here again."

Their response: "Take firecrackers with you next time. They don't like noise."

Anyone else feel the love?

And it doesn't stop there. Minutes later I called the Tahoe Animal Control Board.

Me: (in a very controlled voice) I'm calling to report that a bear was on my porch.

Agent: Was it doing something bad?

Me: Yes. It looked at me through the screen door.

Agent: What did you do?

Me: I slammed the door shut.

Agent: You did the right thing but next time before you slam the door shut yell, 'You bad bear! You go away bad bear!'
THEN slam the door shut. (snicker-snicker, giggle-giggle)

Me: Uh, yeah. OK. All right. OK. Thank you.

And to my cabin mates who seem to think it's normal for a bear to look at you through the screen door - I don't care if you can't breathe from the fumes. The website said to spray amonia around all your windows and doors to keep bears from coming in. You'll thank me someday.